I've been staying away from diaryland. I just haven't had it in me to fill entries with how I've been feeling. It seems so concrete when you write it down. I'd rather ignore the feelings of unhappiness.
Ally has been difficult lately. Not difficult like the old days. There isn't much crying and comforting. This is a new difficult. One that causes ridiculous fights and bickering.
For the most part I sit there and take it. I throw on the silent, hurt face. I wax passive aggressive.
All of this just infuriates her more. She said she always ends up feeling like the bad guy. She wants me to fight back. She's told me to fight back. I can't do it. It's not my style. I have to walk away. Fighting back will get me nowhere.
Somewhat thankfully, it's not just me she's clashing with. She isn't getting along with anyone. Everything is managing to get under her skin. It makes my life both easier and more difficult. On one hand, when she's mad at someone or something else it takes the heat off me for a little while. On the other hand, I still have to deal with her being pissed.
She's thinking about going back on medication. Maybe it's a good idea. Who knows? I've never been a big fan of the medication.
I keep hoping it will pass on it's own. I have it tentatively scheduled to pass in 2 weeks. Hopefully we can get out of this valley and back up to a peak. Frankly, I'd take halfway up the mountain at this point.
Nicole
What I hear: Holly McNarland-Beautiful Blue "from the time I walked in/ to the point when we're both arguing/ this is how I live/ this is where I start screaming"