Things got worse. We had a cranky day of snipping at me for no reason. I tried to give her a hug and was told that she "didn't want my sympathy hugs".
The next day descended into a crying day. It all happened quite out of the blue. After stealing myself against the outwardly cranky days I was taken aback by the sudden crying. She felt empty. She felt unhappy. She curled into my arms and cried all night.
She caught me crying and asked me why. I had forgotten that I wasn't allowed to cry. I tried to convey that her dealing with all this sadness means I'm dealing with a similar sadness, but it never comes across like I want it to. All she knows is that she's feeling what she's feeling and that she needs me to be there for her. So I cried alone after that. In the bathroom. In the car.
As per usual, after the dam breaks we go back to some semblance of normal. It's like she wakes up and shakes herself out a fog. We've been good again for over a week. I've been hoping that this November down will not be followed by a Christmas down. Maybe we'll avoid that one this year.
I'm going to get 8 hours of sleep tonight. It's very exciting.
Nicole
What I hear: Joni Mitchell-All I Want "I want to be strong/I want to laugh along/I want to belong to the living/Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive/ I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive/ Do you want do you want do you want to dance with me baby"